Bettering Myself

How does one change after 25 years of doing the same thing?

I have always been a very dependent person. From birth until now, I feel that I am constantly dependent on others. My mom tells me how I was her "lap baby." I hardly wanted to play toys by myself or keep myself busy, all I wanted to do was sit in her lap and read (er, have her read to me!). This information is not surprising to me. Although I don't spend my evenings in my mother's lap - I would crush her! - I have a bond with her that gives me comfort. I cannot explain it, but it's there, and I truly don't know what I would ever do without her.

My parents divorced when I was in high school, and subsequently I don't have that strong of a bond with my father. Granted, the relationship with my mom only got better, but my dad and I grew far, far apart. For all you Freuds out there, this may explain why I have always "latched on" to other boys in my life. Searching for a father figure, perhaps, who knows? When I "fell in love" at 15 (HA!), I was convinced that he was it. Of course, he wasn't, and when things ended, I was devastated and felt like my life couldn't possibly go on without him. Well, life did go on - I'm still alive and kicking! The next time(s) I "fell in love", it was the same story. (*Disclaimer: I use the term "fell in love" quite loosely. Sometimes it was love, sometimes not, but it was ALWAYS a BIG deal to me. Ask my mother or my girl friends...) I would latch on and throw my entire heart and soul into the relationship and always get my heart broken. It even happens with girl friends...I give and give and give and give, and barely take the time to take, and I can still end up getting hurt. I am so dependent on others and so focused on making those around me happy, that I don't take the time to look out for myself and what's best for me. How does one break that habit after 25 years?

I am currently in the best relationship in which I have ever been. I have finally met my counterpoint. We are so different that we balance each other out, and it is absolutely perfect. I could go on for days about how great he is, but you get the idea :) For once, I have a man in my life who wants me to focus on me. He knows me up and down, inside and out, and tries (and succeeds) every day to help me make me a better person. Even though he's this amazing man, and has never been mad at me (not once, I tell you!), I still feel compelled to always focus on him and that his happiness supersedes mine. He tells me all the time to not worry about him so much, and to concentrate on me, so why can't I let it go? Trust me, I don't want to be like this forever, but b/c I've been this way for so long, I'm not sure how to get past it.

Lately, I've tried to take more time to myself. I don't always have to say yes to people and plans. I don't always go out on the weekends, and the best nights, in my opinion, consist of some me-time, with my TiVo and a good book...ok, ok, and Wii Tetris too. In the past 4 months I've concentrated on my health and working out, have lost 30 pounds and am truly happy with my body and how I feel. Hell, I even bought myself a Christmas present today (not kidding, the gift card reads, "To: Kimberly From: Kimberly")...I'm really trying to devote myself to me. But there's a lot going on in my life that makes it hard for me to keep it together sometimes. It gets hard and I want to throw my energy into others to take my mind off things, b/c it makes me happy to see others happy. I think a key to being independent is trust. Now, being dependent calls for trust, but a different kind. The trust in which I have such a hard time believing comes from just knowing that everything is ok, that people love me, that I'm not going to get hurt.

I know it's unfair to displace my past "hurts" on those in my life, but I can't help it! I have been hurt so many times, that I forget about the ones who have never and would never hurt me. For that, I am sorry, and am going to do something about it. Here's to me and my new leaf. Get ready for some turning over, leaf!

My pre-New Year's resolution is multi-fold:

-my happiness can be found within myself, not in others
-quit worrying that something is wrong - b/c it's not!
-I don't need to please everyone
-I don't have to be perfect
-keep taking me-time
-I don't need to change who I am, just keep improving who I am

Those are all steps to becoming more independent, right? I know I have it in me, but here's where that other side of trust comes in. I just have to keep on believing that, and things will fall into place. I hope :)

Thank you, cyber-world, for being a great ear to which I can always vent.