Journalings

Soooo, today at work we had a seminar on Emotional Intelligence (from the book, "The ability to use your emotions in a positive and constructive way in relationships with others). I've really been looking forward to this, and got a TON out of it, and we're only halfway through! Can't wait for tomorrow.

During the seminar, I re-realized a lot about myself. I've never not known these things, they were just put right in front of my face again, and I've decided that I need to make some teeny tiny little adjustments to my Emotional Intelligence skills.

There are 5 Emotional Intelligence skills: Self-Awareness, Social Skills, Optimism, Emotional Control and Flexibility. We covered Self-Awareness today, and I feel very confident in that area. I am know who I am, how I am, my strengths, my flaws, and am very comfortable with that. Not that I'm not constantly learning new things and ways to be, but I feel very aware of who I am as an individual.

The area in which I need some work is, you guessed it, Emotional Control. I am a huge offender of allowing my emotions dictate how I act and feel and my relationships with those around me. Huge! I am especially guilty of letting the smallest things affect me and control my mood. I dwell on the smallest things, and my mind's constantly racing regarding negative thoughts - why something happened, how I messed something up, how I'm going to deal with a pending issue, etc. We had to look at a list of "feelings" and I realized the one "feeling" I have at all times (seriously, it never goes away) is feeling anxious. I'm never not anxious / nervous about something. I brought this up to the meeting's facilitator, and she told me my homework tonight is to "journal about what in my life is making me feel this way." And what a better way to do so than to air my dirty laundry via the worldwide web, eh?!

This is way vague, but the biggest stressor in my life is my personal / home life. Sure, work stresses me out at times, but I am blessed with a career that I can leave my job and the stresses that it brings at work. I've worked jobs in the past that I had to "bring home with me," and I never want to have that stress in my life ever again. I'm lucky. It's just everything else that gets me. Am I loved by those around me? Am I being a good daughter? Am I financially stable? Is my sister going to be ok? Why is my dad such a deadbeat? Am I ever going to be truly, blissfully happy? Do I have to go to the gym? Are my grandmothers going to be around for a long time? Are my friends mad at me? Do I love myself? Am I appreciated? Can I make time for everyone? Can I make time for me? Do I make people proud? Do I make people laugh? Do I make people happy? Am I in good health? Why can't I just forgive and forget? Why can't I just not care so much? Am I going to be alone forever?

Common theme, much? People-pleaser, dependent on others' opinions of me, much?! Wow. Now I know why I had to do that little exercise. It really puts into perspective the things that worry and affect you, and hopefully will allow me to tackle some of those thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I love my life and the people in it and where I am today and who I am today and the road that's gotten me here. I am a happy person (although it may not seem that way after reading this Negative Nelson post...) and feel truly blessed for so much and in so many ways. So, why do I lay awake at night with my mind at full-speed stressing about things that may or not be in my control? Why do I always have that weird pit-of-my-stomach thing going on? What am I dreading? What am I scared of? And, most importantly, why?

Hmmm, let's hope that after tomorrow's session I'll have all the answers and will be completely cured :)

"I think, therefore I am."