There's really no need for this post...

But I guess I'm having a tough day and need to "write it out."

I randomly follow this blog on a pretty regular basis and, although I have no idea who she is, I feel like she has gotten me through some pretty rough times in my life. Recently, she posted this entry and it made me cry. Keep in mind that this isn't the first time I've read her stuff and cried or laughed or felt like we were one in the same person. Another reason why I love the internet - I have found this random person who I would otherwise not know in a million, billion years and can totally relate to her and her life in so many ways. It's almost been therapeutic. So, based on her 300th post blog entry, I'll do the same as she did. Reintroduce myself to my 2 readers (if I even have that many...). Like I said, no real reason for this, I'm just feeling, ummmm, reflective.

I am Kimberly, first baby born at Northside Hospital in 1983. My only claim to fame. Apparently I was a handful growing up, and my mom jokes that's why she waited 7 years to have another baby - guess that's how long it took her to recover from me. And, being completely comfortable with who I am and all of my flaws, I am still exactly the same. I'm overly dramatic, I whine a little too much, need constant companionship and am a little to much for people to handle sometimes. I talk way too much, gossip more than I should and wear my heart on my sleeve. But, at least I'm not in denial!

This is a picture of me and my first pool. Apparently, I wouldn't play in the awesome baby pool my mom got for me and would spend half a day filling it up and letting the water warm in the sun...all I would do was want to get in a bucket of water. Again, I'm not surprised. Please excuse the awesome quality of this picture - it was the early 80's, people!

I live in Marietta, GA with my mom and younger sister. My parents have been divorced for like 10 years and I barely have a relationship with my father. My mom pretty much raised me on her own, b/c my dad was either traveling for work or golfing. Hence the amazing relationship I have with her now - we were all we had. She told me this story the other day that made me cry (weird). When I was one, I fell down the stairs. Bad. My mom was alone with me, as my father was out of town. At that time, cell phones didn't exist and my mom had no idea how to get ahold of him. She couldn't take me to the doctor until the morning, and she was up all night with me. Rocking me and crying and, this is the killer, just praying I wouldn't die. I was all she had. (Btw, I'm crying right now and can't see my computer screen. Thank goodness for spell check). I ended up being fine (I know, I know...that's debatable), but can't imagine having to go through that...alone. I've been in and out of hospitals for the past few years for one reason or another, and again my mom told me there were times where she was worried I was going to die. I know it's out of my control, but I hate having made her feel that way.

Ok, holy tangent. So, the 3 of us live together in an awesome house in an awesome town with an awesome dog. My beagle/miniature pinscher, Peanut. Look how cute we all are!

My mom is a retired elementary school principal who now teaches education classes at 3 different Georgia colleges. Retired, eh? My sister is 19 and we're working on our relationship. The girl was my. best. friend. until she got into a lot of trouble and turned her back on my mom and I countless times. I love her with all of my heart, that goes without saying, but it sure is hard to repair a burned bridge...

Can you tell where I went to school? I spent the greatest 4 years of my life in Athens, GA with the greatest friends in the whole world. I feel so blessed to have such a solid group of girl friends. They are my support system. Here is my other family.

Well, I had to get to this part eventually. I used to have a boyfriend, and he was my everything. I mean, seriously, you can just see the love in this picture.

That sounds so gay, but it's true. Like, literally, my heart beat for him. I guess that's a big issue with me - I put others before me (always have, guess I always will) and usually end up getting hurt one way or another. Well, as per usual in my life, he hurt me. And, I really do have all the respect in the world for the man, and still love him with every fiber of my being and don't have a bad thing to say about him. But he broke my heart. 5 days after I was released from the hospital after the kidney failure ordeal (well, maybe I am mad about that aspect, jerk) he came over and gave me some lines about "not being able to give himself to me 100% anymore." Of course there was the usual "I always have and always will love you" and "it's not you, it's me" and "you were the only one I've ever loved" and "maybe one day we can be together again" and blah blah blah. Whatever. I still don't know his true reasons. And yes, we're still friends, but it's just....I dunno. The whole thing still boils my blood and gives me anxiety...4 months later. It's just still so hard for me to come to grips with b/c I gave the man 2 years of my life and loved him and cared for him every second of our time together. I still do, for crying out loud. The thing that really, really gets to me is how a lot of our disagreements (we really never actually fought...he's never been mad at me, not once) were about how he felt that I never fully gave myself to him or trusted him, and he would get frustrated with me holding back and being afraid. Hmmm, I wonder why I would hold back or be afraid of getting hurt? Look what happened. I know I should get over it, but I just can't. I'm sure I will when I'm ready, but for now, I just can't yet.

So, for the past 4 months I've been trying to get my life back together. I have good days and bad days, but overall, it's just so hard. I have always been very sure and confident with who I am and what I do and how I live my life, so one would think I would be ok. Which really makes me question all of the things I was so sure of before. I still don't even know where to start with getting on with my life. It's like, maybe I really don't know myself like I always thought I did. Any suggestions?

So, this is me trying to get by. Don't get me wrong, I think I have one heck of a life and have done one heck of a job so far. I have such a great family and groups of friends who I would truly be lost without. I'm loved by so many people and consider myself so blessed to have all of those things. I have a wonderful job that I'm good at and love coming to every day. I get to do everything I want and have a great time doing it. I'm healthy (for the most part, kidneys and ACL) and am pretty happy. But (there's always a 'but'), I feel like something's missing. Whether that's a father figure, Ryan, a flawless relationship with my sister, or something else, I have no idea. And I'm hoping to use this time to spend time with myself and fall back in love with myself again - back when I was truly happy. I've been hurt before and got through that, so I know I can do it again, I just need to try and enjoy the time it takes to do so rather than only yearn for what it'll be like to be happy. As cliche as this sounds, I need to let go and let God.

Ok, enough negative energy! I'm a member of the Junior League of Atlanta and absolutely adore it. I've really gotten involved within the League in my first year, and am hoping to one day take on a leadership role, possibly being on the Board. I've got a ton of time left (League member for LIFE, baby!) but it's really something in which I am interested and can't wait to continue my tenure within the League. I strongly encourage every woman to become involved in her state/town's League. Such a rewarding experience! I've also made some incredible friends, so there's another plus right there :)

I am a true nerd at heart. I love crossword puzzles and trivia and reading. I love educational documentaries on tv and have a secret affinity for museums. I am fascinated by maps, and when I picture places in my head, it's always in an aerial/map form. Thank you, God, for the Google Map app on my BlackBerry.

Speaking of my BlackBerry, I am addicted to technology. My BB is my life, and even more than that, Facebook. I get anxious if I can't check FB or don't know where my BB is. I don't know what I'd do without BBM...I hate regular texting now! I just joined Twitter and am having a ball with it. I only have like 4 followers, but I do it to follow celebs. I find it fascinating to know what they're doing and hear what they have to say and see them interact with each other!

*(I feel like that above paragraph could be unreadable to some people who may not be as tech lovvy - get it, play on tech savvy?! - as me. BB, BBM and FB?! Gosh, I love abbrevs.)

I guess if I had to sum up myself (what, you don't think this post was in summation?!) in 3 words, they would be:

1. Compassionate

2. Entertaining

3. Dependent

Wow, ok, that was really hard. I feel like I need more words! That honestly took me like 15 minutes to come up with only 3 words. Well, whatever, this is my blog, so I'll further explain my 3 words with some more words.

1. I put my entire heart into everything I do and everyone in my life. I don't think I'm halfhearted when it comes to absolutely anything. This is where my emotional nature fits in. Sometimes I think I care too much. I also love how this adjective contains the word "passion." For that is something I do not lack.

2. People who know me say I'm always "on." I love making people laugh and feel blessed that it comes naturally to me. I am a drama queen and feel the need to express those dramatic feelings to everyone around me. I'm sure a lot of this comes at my expense, but I love knowing that I am an entertaining individual.

3. I'm ok with being dependent on others. It may seem like being dependent has a negative connotation, but I'm very accepting of the fact that I lean on others and other aspects to get by. Would I like to be more independent, sure? But I'm perfectly ok with how I am. I cleave onto my family and friends to get by. I love the feeling of being protected (especially by men, which seems to be my one big weakness) and loved, and almost thrive on it. But, I need to tread lightly with this one, b/c my happiness cannot be solely dependent on how others view and treat me.

If you know me, would agree with my 3 words? I think I nailed it...

I gotta say, this hours-long writing session has been very relaxing for me. I honestly feel better than I did 3 hours ago. Welllll, a little :) Thank you, random internet "friend" for your inspiration!