Well, that settles it...

I'm codependent.

Not that this is any huge surprise to me (or you), b/c I've been calling myself a very "dependent person" for quite some time now. And, for the most part, I've been ok with that. Until recently. Lots of life changes have transpired in the past few weeks, and it's been pointed out to me by several different people how codependent I seem. So, I borrowed the book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie from a friend of mine this week to try and grasp a better understanding of this disease-slash-way-of-life that has been affecting me for, well, as long as I can remember. I'm only on page 36 and already want to change my life.

The author defines codependency as a person who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior. She goes on to say that the recovery from this affliction lies not in the other person, no matter how much we believe it does, but lies within ourselves - in the ways we have let other people's behavior affect us and in the ways we try to affect them. Words like "obsessing," "low self-worth bordering on self-hatred" and "self-repression" are used quite a bit, which are all terms I find that describe me pretty accurately.

Reading this book has prompted me to think back to when I believe this "illness" began. To my dismay, I've think I've pinpointed the birth of my codependency. My first real memories of exhibiting this type of behavior hover around when I first started dating, at the age of 14. Way too young, looking back at it. But, delving even further into my childhood, I think the reason I started dating boys so early was b/c of the relationship (or lack thereof) with my father. I know I'm getting all Freud-like, but there is a lot of truth in his theories. Because my dad was never around as I was growing up, needing a father figure in my life, I'm sure I developed subconscious resentment toward him and the fact that he wasn't truly a father; therefore I cleaved to the men who eventually became a part of my life, depending on them for the things I didn't get from my dad. Whew - that's a hefty thought process! So, when males would enter my life, I guess I had this underlying desire or need to please them, even if that meant putting them before me. When they would be happy and I felt like I had something to do with it, I would be happy. However, when I felt like I had something to do with them being unhappy, I would take the blame for that, even if it truly didn't have anything to do with me. Looking lightheartedly at the last 13 years of my adult life, I've had one hell of a time!!

I wish I could say that I only exhibited this codependency during my early adulthood - sadly, here I am, at 27 years old, still feeling like I am responsible for other peoples' moods or happiness, still taking the blame or burden when something goes wrong and it's not my fault, still wanting to make everyone happy and wanting to please everyone.

When I look at all of my failed relationships, I see a pattern. They've all ended (obviously), and seemingly all b/c of the same reasons. I am not necessarily the pattern, b/c I'm getting to the point where I realize that I cannot control how people feel or hold myself responsible for those feelings, but I am the pattern in that unless I do something about those lines of though, my relationships will continue to not flourish. In my most recent failed relationship, I asked him what I could do differently in my next relationship, b/c it's very evident that the problem in each of those said failed relationships has been me (author's note: see previous sentence for additional clarification on this thought). In a soft voice, he tells me it's not me, it's him, but I know better. I know that line. We've all heard it. But I call shenanigans on that god-forsaken line; it's never them, it's always you (yet again, not saying it's me, per se...). However, I find the positive in this failed relationship and all of the others. Not only do I find enough information and supporting evidence to write a self-help novel on the subject matter at hand, I discover that these relationships ended for a reason and I can only grow and improve myself and who I am b/c of them.

This is no pity blog entry. I'm not trying to win any ex-boyfriend back nor am I trying to gain favor from my adoring public (I'm pretty funny, huh?). I'm not here to say, "Woe is me - b/c I suck at life, I've driven away everyone who's ever meant anything to me." However, I am here to admit that I carry around the coat of codependency, and unless I realize it (check!) and do something about it (working on that as we speak), I'll continue down the path of losing the people I love and the people who love me due to my own insecurities and lack of confidence in myself. I need to get to the point where I not only understand that I'm not the one responsible, but start acting that way.

I must add that my codependency doesn't just exist in my love life. It runs rampant in my family life and with my girl friends too. I've had to deal with a family member with a chemical dependency for the past 3 years, and that's been a harrowing ordeal. I see my codependency in that situation, as well as when I try and be the best friend I can be in my groups of friends. I say "yes" when I mean "no" and I get walked all over from particular people. I don't stand up for myself when I should, and usually feel like I'm the cause of problems or that people are mad at me. See, it's everywhere!

The friend who gave me this life-altering book told me a lot of interesting things. They stared me in the face and told me to stop caring so much. At first, I was flabbergasted! "How can I go from caring all the time about everyone, to not caring at all?" Even during this serious, deep conversation we're having, they're as a cool as a cucumber. They proceed to tell me to be more like a guy - think like a guy, care like a guy. Translated from guy language to Kimberly-language, I gather many things from this conversation:

1. I need to love myself
2. I need to be more selfish
3. I need to stop caring for others more than I care for myself
4. If something happens, it's for a reason, and stop always thinking it's my fault
5. I need to set goals for myself (other than my usual "get married and have children")

(There are many more revelations I had, but 5's enough for now)

B/c I've lived a life chock-full of codependency for the last, oh, 13 years, I think it's time I do something about it. I've been hurt more times than I'd like to remember, and I'm done with being hurt. I've taken the blame for things that have nothing to do with me. I'm sick of being anxious and worried all the time, and want to get back to beinging truly, blissfully happy, without a single care in the world. I really think these gray hairs I've developed recently have a LOT to do with this little codependency problem I'm experiencing...

So, I'm pretty proud of myself for understanding that I'm at the point at which I am, and also understanding that I can't continue to live like this. I don't need to always accept the blame or go on with my life thinking "it's all b/c of me." I've reached step #1 (of many?!) and can only see further from here.

Codependency No More, here I come!